Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Killing, Ver 3.0 (JOB IN DC)

Has your political career stalled?

Are you finding you have more enemies than friends in Washington these days?

Do you feel a need to take concrete steps to ensure a cushy, highly-paid job when you leave politics?

Would you like to make new friends who can help you, regardless of which side of the law they're on or what country they're working for?

Would you like to invest money and turn a few bucks, guaranteed?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, perhaps we can help.

JOB IN DC is a career counseling service dedicated to making your career the most lucrative career inside the beltway!

Here are testimonials from two of our satisfied clients, who wish to remain anonymous. We'll call them Mr. A and Mr. B. One is an appointed official, the other an elected one; one is a lifelong Democrat, the other a Republican. As you listen to their story, see if you can guess who's who.

JOB IN DC: Mr. A, Mr. B., thank you for joining us today.

Mr. A & Mr. B: Our pleasure.

JOB IN DC: Tell us your experience with JOB IN DC!

MR. A: Well, I had been working in Washington for years. I've had different job titles, but one thing stayed the same: it was politics as usual, and no matter what connections I had, I always seemed to feel like an outsider.

Mr. B: Exactly, same here. Oh, I know plenty of people, and we've worked some inside deals, don't get me wrong. But, I just felt like there was more out there, and I was getting concerned that my career in politics was coming to a dead end.

Mr. A: Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. We had a good thing going, but it wasn't enough, and it wasn't going to last forever.

JOB IN DC: Yes, I see. So, tell me, what did you do?

MR. A: I called JOB IN DC. JOB IN DC really turned things around for me!

Mr. B: Me, too.

JOB IN DC: What did JOB IN DC do for you?

MR. A: Well, first, JOB IN DC showed me how much I had in common with our nation's enemies. There was this terrorist organization that wanted to destroy the World Trade Center, and had even already tried to do so once, but just didn't have the resources to succeed. Additionally, there were the usual narcotics traffickers and arms dealers out there, not to mention certain foreign governments. JOB IN DC showed us how we, too, could benefit from the successes of their endeavors. Working with some of our colleagues inside the beltway, we obstructed investigations about the terrorists, providing them the cover they needed to destroy those Twin Towers. That was worth some money there, but that was nothing compared to what came next.

JOB IN DC: Oh, do tell!

MR. B: Some of our friends were able to turn their knowledge of the terrorists' attacks into real money by planning appropriate stock trades around the attacks. (laughs) As those financial whizkids were jumping out of the Twin Towers to get away from the fire, whizzing down and splatting on the ground, our friends' stock trades were whizzing through WTC computers unmonitored. They made a hell of a killing that week, and they were very appreciative of our assistance! And, when the towers then collapsed, all the evidence of our trades was buried in the rubble, so nobody could tie it to them and, by extension, to us! In fact, our friends made sure of that by taking down WTC 7.

JOB IN DC: Wow! That is innovative! But what's the connection to WTC 7?

MR. B: Well, JOB IN DC arranged for WTC 7, which wasn't even hit by a jetliner, to be imploded, or "pulled" as they say. This was a big help, since WTC 7 is where many government agencies had their offices, including the SEC. All their investigations of other shady deals were buried in the rubble of another collapsed skyscraper, and, with their offices physically destroyed, they wouldn't be looking into the trades from the week of the attack any time soon!

JOB IN DC: Yeah, this just gets better and better.

MR. B: It sure does. The destruction of the World Trade Center prompted the President to declare a War on Terror, a war which everyone in the adminstration promises will not end any time soon! That's great news for the arms industry, and for some of our foreign associates. Since we're now fighting a War on Terror, our business partners' interests in narcotics and arms trafficking just aren't a priority for government interference anymore; (chuckles) we helped make sure of that.

Mr. A: Yeah, when we finally get tired of the rat-race in politics, we'll just move on to a nice, cushy job as a consultant working for our new friends. We've already done, here on the public payroll, the favors needed to guarantee that.

Mr. B: It's like an investment in our retirement!

JOB IN DC: The gift that keeps on giving. How does that work exactly?

MR. A: Well, some of our key associates are from places like Turkey, Pakistan and certain Central Asian countries. These are places that are very undemocratic and have terrible human rights records; they're very corrupt, and heavily involved in smuggling heroin. Remember, too, that Pakistan is a state sponsor of terror for all the support it gives to Islamic insurgents in Kashmir. Nobody in their right minds would do business with these guys! But, by using our pull in DC to help them, we not only get them high-tech weapons, nuclear secrets and other goodies; we get U.S. foreign aid to pay for it all! And let's face it, that lobbying wouldn't be possible without financial help from our friends overseas to pay off people all over Washington.

JOB IN DC: Wow, you're really making a killing!

MR. B: Oh, we sure are.

Mr. A: Yeah. When I saw those Twin Towers come down, I knew we had picked a winner! And, to top it all off, those terrorists hijacked and crashed two other planes that day, and that just made everyone all the more convinced that the hijackings were the real crime of the day. Nobody's even looking for the money, the drugs, the weapons and the nuclear secrets we're dealing in, and that's a good thing, because if they ever find any of that, they might find us!

JOB IN DC: Well, your secret is safe with me. Thank you, Mr. A and Mr. B.

You heard it. If JOB IN DC can do that for Mr. A and Mr. B, imagine what we can do for you!

Our professional staff will show you how to leverage your knowledge of government secrets into real money, cover up the illegal activities of your business associates, and maybe even start a war, all while you are setting yourself up for a retirement on Easy Street!

We will get you the job of your dreams. Your enemies will be terrified when they see the job you do on them; and remember: inside jobs are our specialty!

So, if you're ready to turn narcotics traffickers, arms smugglers, terrorists and our nation's other enemies into your business partners -- and maybe even employers! -- just call our toll-free number:


That number again:


and ask about our Nuclear Special -- nothing will brighten your day more, we guarantee it!

Call now! Operators are standing by.


Debbie said...

Amazing. Sounded like an infomercial. You forgot the "BUT WAIT!!!"

Good job.

We have to laugh now and then, things get so horrible sometimes.

Thanks for sharing.

Right Truth

WomanHonorThyself said...

ah yes but someone needs to fight the rad Mussslims so thank GOD someone is at least making a feeble attempt!