Has your jihad become less profitable lately?
Have your terror attacks lost their appeal for your followers?
Are you tired of the same old suicide bombings?
Do you have untold billions of dollars of illegal drug money that you need to launder?
Would you like to invest that money, launder it, and make an
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, perhaps we can help.
JIHAD ME is a holy war improvement service dedicated to making your terrorism the most pleasing jihad imaginable in the eyes of Allah.
Here is a testimonial from one of our satisfied clients, Sheikh Osama bin Laden.
JM: Sheikh, tell us your experience with JIHAD ME!
SHEIKH: Well, I had been in the holy war business for years. I fought the Russians, the Israelis, but, you know, it was just getting boring. So, I tried to bomb the World Trade Center, but it didn't work. Oh, our bomb was big, but we just didn't really know what we were doing. We only killed a handful of people. I was pretty bummed out with the results.
JM: Yes, I can well imagine. So, by Allah, what did you do?
SHEIKH: I called JIHAD ME. They really turned things around for me!
JM: What did JIHAD ME do for you, Sheikh bin Laden?
SHEIKH: Well, first, JIHAD ME showed me how to take down the World Trade Center. I had just tried it with one bomb in the basement. Looking back on it now, it seems so amateurish. But JIHAD ME's highly skilled professionals showed me what I had to do to succeed. They showed me that the only way to bring those Twin Towers down was with explosives precision-placed for a controlled implosion. JIHAD ME advised me on the proper kinds of explosives to use, and where to place them. They even helped me acquire the needed explosives and blueprints of the target!
JM: Wow! But that's not all JIHAD ME did, is it, Sheikh?
SHEIKH: Oh, no, JIHAD ME did much more! I had billions of dollars of illegal drug money that I needed to launder. JIHAD ME's innovative solution turned that problem into a real opportunity.
JM: How did JIHAD ME launder your drug money, Sheikh?
SHEIKH: JIHAD ME's highly trained consultants recommended hijacking some airliners, and crashing two of them into the World Trade Center, one into each of the Twin Towers. This created a diversion. While all the investment brokers and financiers were trapped, screaming for their lives in those skyscraping infernos, my drug money was getting laundered through stock trades being made on their computers. (laughs) They were so busy jumping out the windows, they didn't even notice that their computers were continuing to work, churning away at my stock trades, laundering my billions.
JM: Wow, that is innovative! But you mentioned that JIHAD ME turned it into an opportunity for you. How did they do that?
SHEIKH: That's the best part. Since we knew which businesses were going to be hit, we could capitalize on that by betting on stocks that we knew our attack would influence. Within a few days of the attack, my money was not only laundered, but I was billions richer.
JM: Yeah, this just gets better and better. How did you get away with this, Sheikh?
SHEIKH: Well, we were planning to bring down the towers anyway, so, after I had laundered my billions and made billions more, we just imploded them. The computers that we ran the stock trades through were destroyed. The evidence was buried in the smoldering rubble. And, since everyone thought crashing hijacked planes into buildings was the only crime I committed that day, it didn't even occur to people to think I had another motive, so nobody is investigating.
JM: Wow, you really made a killing!
SHEIKH: I sure did. When I saw those Twin Towers come down, I knew I had picked a winner! And, to top it all off, we hijacked and crashed two other planes that day, and that just convinced everyone even more that the hijackings were the real terror act of the day. Nobody's even looking for the money that I made, and that's a good thing, because if they ever find it, they might find me!
JM: Well, your secret is safe with me. Thank you, Sheikh bin Laden, and may Allah be pleased with you.
You heard it. If JIHAD ME can do that for Sheikh Osama bin Laden, imagine what we can do for you!
Our professional staff will show you how to kill infidels and polytheists by the thousands, launder money by the billions, and turn a killer profit into the deal! We will make you a true leader among the Khawarij Mujahideen. What could be more pleasing to Allah?
So, if you are ready to spice up that holy war, and make one hell of a profit doing it, just call our toll-free number:
and ask about our Nuclear Special!
That number again:
Call now! Operators are standing by.